Mental Health: Guest Post

Today we have a guest post by a good friend @BaileyGeePoetry , be sure to give her a follow on Twitter. I am always excited to share a mental health post because I think it’s so important to share what we are going through in terms of mental health. For so long, it was frowned upon to talk about mental health and I want this to be a safe space where sharing our experiences can help others get through their own hard times.

Hi! My name is Bailey and I’m a published author, with three books. I'm also a wheelchair user and someone who struggles with mental health issues.  

When I was six years old, I had undiagnosed anxiety, depression, and a teddy bear named Ricky, to whom I told all my secrets.  When I was younger, I didn't quite understand the importance of speaking up when something was wrong. My mentality had always been "I'll deal with it myself, so I don't bother anyone else". So, when I was six years old and having recurring negative thoughts. I thought it was completely normal until these manifested into an obsession. I was six years old, watching the clock, memorizing the time before I went to bed, in fear of the night. Fast forward a bit to twelve year old me, in sixth grade. The worst year of school yet. By then, short haired teachers pet, who had already had around ten surgeries. I was an outcast. I had spent more time in hospitals than I had at school. I was an easy target for bullies. I still am. I was mocked and taunted for my disability. Rumours were spread. I became an overly anxious adolescent who faked being sick to stay home and watch Family Feud. When I say "overly anxious", I mean I became afraid; of everything. The world and all the possible dangers in it, scared me. I became extra aware of everything around me and was cautious to avoid things that would cause danger. Dinnertime was hard; I was afraid of choking. Going outside was hard; I was afraid of getting shot, abducted, or hit by a car. These fears literally stopped me from enjoying life. I lived every day terrified. Time flew by and I entered high school. Luckily, my anxieties managed to disappear somewhat. But I still kept everything to myself, including the anxieties from childhood. I thought high school would be better, and it was somewhat. Academically, I was thriving, on the honor roll almost every semester. But I was lacking in the social department. I still felt alienated and different. I began to become aware of my disability at an early age, but no one prepared me for the social isolation I'd face. High school was just another clique I wasn't a part of. I started to feel sad, but it was more than sad. I started feeling numb, empty. I told a teacher who I trusted, and she laughed at me and called me a miserable person. But I stuck it out, and despite this repeated taunting by an adult I trusted, I graduated high school. None of my teachers showed up to my graduation.

Things took an unexpected turn after high school.  I grew up not wanting to bother people with my problems. My first year of college, The worst year of my life. I had messaged a friend I hadn't heard from in a while. A few days later I noticed a Facebook message from her. My heart went into my stomach. I felt numb, yet like every emotion was going through me. That night, I stayed up until 4 am crying. It was the start of a vicious cycle. One of many. Those next six months were absolute hell.  That explains all my unread messages. But worst of all, is the fact that she lost hope in life. That broke me. To know that she didn't think she could talk to anyone, broke me into a million pieces. I had developed a horrible sleeping pattern of 2 am to 2 pm. I had stopped eating almost everything for three months.

My friends were the ones who made me seek professional help. I started making changes on my own. Slowly but surely, I started eating better. I adjusted my sleep schedule, with lots of hard work and determination. Getting help was very difficult but it's better than the alternative, which I learned the hard way. I've been in and out of hospitals, dealing with my inner demons, but I have the help and support I need and I'm doing much better. I want that to be the takeaway from my story. That we are all human. Emotions don't discriminate. We all feel sad, and low, and angry. You need to be honest with yourself and ask yourself "am I really okay?". It is absolutely okay to talk it out with someone you trust. I'd rather have you honest alive.